"Day 147"

Day 147

As I stand here and gaze upon the pills infront of me, I question. I question my creator, I question my destiny, I question my fate, I question my luck, I question my existence and most importantly, I question myself - is this supposed to be the end of my misery or just a phase?

Very often, a man sits back and tries to figure out his life. The ups and downs, bumps, smooth rides and highs and lows of it. He sheds light upon all the memories hidden up his head and tries to figure out life. What he doesn't know is that life is an unsolved mystery. A mystery mankind has been trying to solve for generations, but have yet to overcome the failure they face everytime.

Caught in the moment, I thought. I thought to myself the purpose of my existence? I had cared and loved to be hurt in the end. I had tried being happy, but the smile on my face was a burden i couldn't put up with.

Are we in the driver's seat of our own lives or is someone driving our car and we have to sit in the passenger seat and 'hope'. Hope that the driver takes the right turns and helps us reach our destination with ease. But how long can a person hope? Is hoping the sole purpose of life? Hope of being victorious? Hope of being happy? Hope of being successful? Hope of living a good life?

I had a dark secret that controlled my life.  I was beginning to learn how to live a life of what I now call “duality”. On the outside I was a rock, I was a shining example of how to overcome adversity, while on the inside; I was living a life of quiet desperation. I was scared, with no true self-esteem. Even more, I was vulnerable and was looking for some form of certainty. I wanted to know that someone loved me and that I could turn to someone to help me and understand what was happening. I wanted to cry, I wanted to tell someone what I was feeling and have them fix everything, take decisions for me or at least show me how to do it myself. But I held it all inside. I couldn’t let anyone see the pain. I especially couldn’t let my mother see how much I was hurting. I knew how much it would hurt her to see me in such pain. This emotional conflict and the battle with my inner demons made me who am I today - a loser, depressed, suicidal maniac.

My sight becomes blur. The tears block my vision. And the blur images take the shape of the dreadful moments I've been through. What hurt me and brought me here. I see my parents fighting, I see my friends getting high, I see myself mourn over the death of the person I had cared about the most. Most importantly, I see HER face. The face of the person that meant everything to me, but now im just an outlander she used to indulge in a conversation with. Her laughter haunts me, her eyes scare me, her face reminds me of the life i had planned for myself and her - for US.

Hope is a vague term. Its a meaningless word that is used to make people hang in there. And what's 'there' you may ask? There is Life. Life that is the unsolved mystery that eats up your brain inside like bacteria feeding on fungi. And the time comes when you lose it. You lose everything and come back to ground zero and find yourself starring at the pills.

Failure had me all covered in itself. I plead for an answer and when i couldn't find anything, I stopped. I stopped thinking, stopped crying and gushed the pills in my palm. I looked up at the heavens and cried out loud; I QUIT!!!"

He closes the diary. A lone tear rolled down his cheek. His family went over to him to console him, but he did not respond. He just stared straight ahead. It was as if all emotion was alien to him. All the colour had drained out of his face. His eyes had become lifeless and distant. The whispers of the prayers of the people, the millions of whispers, were perfectly in sync with their sobs.

The coffin, which would be used to carry him away from all of them forever, seemed to cradle his dead body while covering his head to toe with a perfectly fit suit. It was all so surreal. Everyone still believed and hoped he would waltz in any moment, cheerfully out of his room, like any other day, but it was only now that they knew what hid under the happy facade.

And then they came. To take him away. The strange calm that had engulfed him and the lack of expression that seemed to disappear on his face as everyone broke into hysterical sobs, begging Muhammad  not to leave just yet. But they chanted a prayer and lifted his deathbed off the floor. He had to leave. Everyone had to let go.

The End.

"Day 127"

Day 127

The agonies left me in my damnation,
It wasn't the real me, I was buried in sand.
You  came, you taught, you took me out of the doom,
You obviated the weakness inside me, and then you held my hand.

I wish i could describe Rimel about how I feel. Its like living in a nightmare, way to real. She was here and now she is gone. how am I supposed to live on, you know? All those days we spent together are now just memories. I cant believe what happened and that the destiny chose her , but I want her to please come back to me. I cant deal with this anymore. She was always like a goddess to me, she always cared for me and she never said no. I just wish she really would know how much I appreciated that and how much I appreciate it now.

I want the old Rimel back, not the girl I rarely see in front of me and listen about now. Where's the girl that I used to stay up all night and fall asleep on the phone with? Where's the girl who always looked at me like I was her only, the girl who was always there for me? I want the girl who always made me laugh and smile, not the one who brings me down into a frown. What happened? Where did she go? I wish she'd come back. I miss her, the girl who I used to know. Not the girl who stomps on my heart into tiny pieces, not the one who doesn't give a damn about me anymore. I wish she could look down deep inside, and see that this isn't her. I wish she'd realize that cause it hurts me to know that I've lost the one who mattered the most to me.

Dealing with this, I swear I cant breath, my eyes are burning and my heart is torn apart. I would do anything just to get her back, because Rimel was and still is my love.

"Day 114"

Day 114

My love is gone, left me with both empty hands,
My love will come in the glitter of a spark,
You saved my life and went away.
Glass and winter bones have destracted well my sight,
As I'm waiting here the world's discovered one more time,
You saved my life and went away,
Come save my life again.

I lost today. I was sure to win a BD at this MUN, but I got mindfucked pretty bad. I don't know what to say. Losing got me thinking and as I looked deeper into who I really am, I realized that I am what they truly call a failure. Im seriously good at nothing. I thought I was good at sports, but I lost. I thought I was good at studies, I failed. I thought I could be a little better, but I lived in denial. I hoped I could be a good writer, but I'm just a nitwit who doesn't have the skills. I aim at being a good debater, but I am the shittiest person alive who debates. My coach was probably right. I look like a good debater, but im nothing less than shit.

As I lost, I thought about the reasons. Could it be the mindfuck I got from her side during every session? Or was it I? Did I really suck? And this time, I decided to be a little more honest to myself and confront reality. Instead of blaming it on anyone, I decided to face the truth. I suck.

And now when I think about it again, I'm losing her. In my miserable life of failures, she probably was the only 'success' that made me stand tall and be proud of. But guess what? I even failed at holding on to her. I mistreated her, broke her trust and eventually lost her. We're hanging on by a thread here. A thread that is slowly tearing apart and very soon we might just fall until we decide to climb up that thread and move on to the rope that is sure to keep us from falling head-first.

The question is - will that ever happen? Frankly, I don't think so. I thought I could hold her hand and take us up there. To the top. Where we could live like we conquered the world. However, I see us going in the opposite direction.

Its going to be 3 months now. Instead of being extremely happy, I'm sad tonight. I'm heartbroken at where we stand. Shocked at what we've become. Grieved on how things have shaped up to be. Unhappy at the fact that i might lose her one day. Depressed at being the reason.

Guilty, I stand here at the top of my roof as I look down. I measure the distance and I realize if I fall head-first, the least that could happen is that I go into a coma. Should I do that? It seems to be the only 'healthy' solution. Especially since all else has failed.

I haven't cried this time. My eyes got wet, but I controlled myself. The love of my life told me I was a 'pansy' for crying in front of her. That's a real low-blow. So i should not cry. I must not, but how long can I hold it all in? I know I'm not strong. I know I don't have an emotional support. A mother I could go to and confront everything. A sister who will care for me enough to console me and most importantly, a 'love' who would wrap her arms around me, wipe my tears off and tell me she'll be there for me. Who do I cry for? Whom do I cry in front of? There is no use of crying. Only 'pansies' cry. And I certainly am not that.

I look down again. 'Should I do it?' I ask myself. I am confused. What if I survive? I'll be known as a coward, a weak, emotionally wrecked goof in my family then. Will I live up to the burden. I step back. I open my pictures to soothe myself. I open the album labelled 'us'. I go through our pictures. I feel like crying, but I don't. I make sure I don't shed a tear. The screen gets a little blurry, but I look up and I make sure that no tear rolls down on my cheek.

I open your image. I kiss on the screen and I put my phone on my chest. I'm befuddled. I don't know what to do. Should I apologize? And beg her to take me back? Will she ever give me a chance? Will 'our world' start again today? Do better days await us? Is it just a phase that will pass? Will we ever reach the end of the tunnel and see the sunlight again?

With all these questions in my mind, I plan on standing before her with a rose in my hand. To sit on my knee and  present the flower to her as I look up to her and say; "I love you, Rimel. I always have and I always will. I may not have the softest touch, I may not say the words enough, I may not be the perfect one and I certainly am not the ideal one for you. But I'm YOURS. Forever and ever. I can't leave you. No. Never. That can never be the option. I can quit on MY life, but I can never do that on US. Im lost on words. I don't know what to say. How to prove it all to you. Show you or make you feel special. All I can do is ask you to question yourself? Do you feel the same way? Do you want to be with me forever? Do you plan on studying with me so we never get to face any trouble? Do you love me? Are you ready to give me one last chance? Can you trust me again? Can you forget my past, look at my present and let yourself be my future? Its our 3 months anniversary. 3 months is a short time period, but you know what i have been through. How i have been betrayed in the past. I don't want the girl who helped me stand on my feet leave me too. This will end. Everything. This will be the end of me because I won't be able to take it anymore. Will my wish for getting a positive answer for all of this be granted? Happy 3 months anniversary, Rimel. I love you"

As I conclude my little dialogue, I desperately hope for her to take the flower, pull me up, kiss me and tell me what her answer is. Will that happen or will she walk away and leave me? Something that seems to be the only thought on her mind nowadays.

"Day 84"

Day 84

I know the feeling that my heart is being ripped out shall pass, yes I know that. I know that the more time goes by, the more my heart will let go. But my heart does not know that. All it knows is it's being ripped to pieces.
And it reaches out at the slightest chance, that there will be no need of this goodbye. It beats harder at the slimmest glimpse of hope. But this goodbye comes and it tugs and it tugs hard. It is unforgiving, it is relentless. This goodbye is a savage.

It knocks at the door waiting for an answer and the heart beats harder. I open the door knowing the pain will come and it does. Shooting pain, unbearable pain. I walk through the door and the pearcing pain, once the heart has lost hope, cuts deep to the bone. The heart races, fearful like a child lost without the parent.
I must keep walking. Walking away from this goodbye, never look back for the heart is still hopeful. The heart is pulling me back, begging, reckoning with the mind. My heart tells me, this can't be, no. We can go away with this goodbye. We must go back. But I keep walking. With each step the heart beats harder. It cries out one more time. NO! PLEASE NO! and yet I keep walking.
I so want to go back and resist this goodbye, but I must not. I keep walking. My heart is dragging on the ground now, digging into the ground, crying! I keep walking. I must keep walking.

I have a very long way to walk because it is a long journey, away from this goodbye, to the place where the heart will ever feel safe again. Goodbye.

"Day 75"

Day 75

From the outside, I don't have a bad life. I have friends and a girlfriend and I'll somehow manage to pass A-levels. But beneath all the bullshit and religion, life has no meaning. There is no grand scheme for humanity and there's no point to our lives. If your heads not too far stuck your own arse to understand this then the only obvious conclusion is that you should live like you would do any activity, and stop when you're not enjoying yourself.

I am a lazy, spoilt 18 year old man-child that has no idea what he wants to do with his life and no motivation to find out. If I live on, I will become a parasite, living off minimum wage and contributing nothing to society. Everyone will come to hate me, they'll think "the world would be better off without him". I know this, because that's what I would think.

I just want to stop, before I face another disappointing look, before I'm judged by those around me as they whisper behind my back. And I DON'T want to be judged by morons with horrible grammar assuring me that there's a reason to live WHEN there ISN'T. I've thought about this more than anyone and I'm probably smarter than you, so before anyone starts JUDGING like every pathetic extroverts do to each other, I'm telling you to GO TO HELL.

"Day 64"

Day 64

Life was a mess,
A respite was needed.
Friends were a short-term ointment,
A permanent surgery was required,
Expected was poignant,
A breath of life was seeded.

Old love stories like Romeo and Juliet, Heer Ranjha, Sassi Punno are worshipped and idealised by lovers all across the globe. They portray how strong the force of love can be. How unexpected. And how lethal.

In the mist of life, we often find ourselves lost in an unknown cause. Its a constant battle between expected and unexpected things as we figure out a way to cope up with the hand our life deals us with. My story is a story of huge ups and downs - very much of a roller coaster they call nowadays.

In this fog, you often try to find a solution. You try to see how unexpected you can expect unexpected to be? Yet, you never fail to be amazed by the thrills life provides you with.

My thrill came out of nowhere. One fine, dark, gloomy night I found a ray of hope and I reached for it. Unware of what it might lead to, I believed in the cause and found myself enthralled when I got my hands on an oyster that was to become my pearl on the day I was certain of getting a 'yes' from her.

I had waited my whole life to have myself get struck by something, or in this case a someone, that would sweep me off my feet and make me feel the feelings of  passion, endearment, itch, attachment, care, affection and desire at the same time. In short, the feeling of Love.

Initially, it was her fun attitude that interested me. She could light up a place with her presence and make everyone feel special by just giving in so little. She had a beautiful, perfect smile, but instantly it clicked me - there was a huge mess hidden behind it. Curiosity is what dragged me towards her. Every day, every night, every hour, every minute and every second - her little hints, subtle attitude drew me towards her, leaving me desperate to find more about her.

Her thoughts had been weaving a net over my brain and little that i knew, they had covered it all within days. Staggeringly, I had her all over my mind and my thoughts. She was all I used to think about. Her smile, the sound of her laughter, her mellifluous yet seductive voice and her astonishing looks.

She steered her way through the walls I had surrounded myself with and broke in without me even realizing that. Since that, it has been a beautiful journey. A journey that has taught me love, taught me how to feel love, taught me how to treat love and taught me how to deal with love. She made my journey a bittersweet fairytale and become the princess I can't leave, I can't live without. A princess I love.

She makes me feel things I thought I'd never feel again. She understands me like no one does. She knows the right strings to pull. She knows what to say and when to say when it comes to me. Above all, she is someone who sets my heart on fire yet manages to keep my mind at peace.

This is a match made in heaven. Not because of who I am or who she is. But because of who 'we' are. And who we become when we are together. Please don't change. For anyone. Ever.  I love you.

"Day 29"

Day 29

Lost deep in my thoughts, I kept on starring at the stairs and the door. In too deep , I almost didn't bother about the uncomfortable seats of hotspot. As I gazed upon the door, I saw an enchanting figure pull the door and step right in. She attracted me towards her. The moment paused, as if time itself did not dare continue its incessant journey in the presence of such a creature. She dragged me out of my thoughts and forced me to look upon and praise the ravishing beauty of hers. 

An unearthly chill was felt as she entered. She first extended her right leg towards the first step down. It gave me a chance to peek at her jeans. The pants perfectly outlined her beautiful legs. She then put her left foot on the step. I looked for a moment. Let the emotions blend in as I started to observe her further. 

A long coat covered her slim, petite body. Her stunning black shoes complemented her top perfectly. She had the most striking smile on her face as she slowly stepped further down. She walked so gracefully that she appeared to float through the crowd and sat at the table in front of me. 

Lost in the moment, I couldn't help but admire her. 'You look beautiful', I complimented her. In her mellifluous voice, a 'thank you' was said in return. I noticed how her lips spread like the sun on the horizon. It seemed as if all the happiness and joy was taken and poured over the stars that lit up the night sky. Except that they weren't stars, they were her teeth. And they just didn't light up the night sky, they illuminated my soul. Her smile was contagious. It made me do the same. 

I cracked a joke to see her smile again. I smiled back. I put my hand under the chin and started staring into her eyes. She, reluctantly, fluttered and looked aside, but the sight was too fascinating to pull away from. One could easily confuse it with two sapphires symmetrically set on her face. 

Her beauty was both unnatural and breathtaking – a nightmare in motion, yet poetry personified – and I could not move my eyes away from her. Her natural, shinny, luminous hair had a very distinct attraction towards it. Her almond shaped eyes pierced through one's soul, touching the heart. The way her eyebrows arched over the curve before dispersing onto the bridge of her dainty nose made her face look so enchanting. Making her, overall, an unearthly beauty. 

From the first moment, my eyes were ensnared. I stood no hope of escape. Nothing could ever buy this moment from me. I felt special. Butterflies in my stomach. Nervous. In love.